Geri-Hattrick: three dead old people in one cruise

I’ve been putting off writing for too long. I was not exactly sure what I wanted to address in this entry. There have been so many major things that I could rant about for hours, but the few who actually read this would then become the fewer who actually read this. Here are a few bullet points for you if you don’t want to read you fucking illiterate shits.
1. No matter how masterful of a juggler you are only entertaining if you juggle things that will kill you
2. Magicians are all creepy by nature
3. If the amount of pounds of gear you bring for your show is more than the number of people who know who you are, than you fucking suck.
4. Anything labeled, as “New England Charm” is code for boring as shit unless you’re over eighty
5. If your getting Ice cream in the mess hall it means more than three people died on the cruise
6. British people tell me they won the war of 1812
7. Red hats in a theater signify those people that may pass away during the performance.
8. Sorting trash is for pussies
9. My pleasure in Afrikaans sounds like “My Pussy”
10. Shower sex in rough waters is dangerous.
Take that all in and process it. Let’s start with the subject of elderly.
I must preface this by saying I am not one of those people who find old people cute,
nor entertaining. I find them old, annoying and sad. It may be ignorant but I do not believe I will ever be so helpless. I also am harboring an intense agitation caused by our recent eight days sailing up majestic New England, and Eastern Canada. I first knew that this trip was going to be a little odd when everything was moved up an hour so that we can be on a schedule more preferable to WWI veterans. Then I noticed the smell. A sort of mixture between woops I pooped myself (with an aged wisdom of course), macaroni that’s been sitting out, and that nasty lipstick your grandma wore. This lingering aroma permeates the whole ship and every elevator and comes to a pungent climax in the theater. They never miss the jugglers because they still remember when juggling was cool, which was around the same time that the rocking horse was exhilarating. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING OLD -- All of them.
It’s as if AARP has brainwashed American elderly that they must all make a pilgrimage to Bar Harbor to buy their bratty grandkids tacky shirts that say I survived Maine. Ya, for some of them surviving Maine really is an accomplishment because they are literally teetering on the ends of their lives. The sports staff goes from teaching tennis lessons to replacing tennis balls on the bottom of walkers. I cannot count the amount of times I had to remind our wise guests where they were,because they couldn’t remember that they were on a ship. There most exciting part of the cruise is riding the elevators for hours because they are either too slow to get off before it starts moving again, or because they keep forgetting what button they pressed, and what floor they wanted to get off on. The only enjoyable part of the old people is that if three of them die during the cruise they have to empty out the ice cream and frozen deserts to make room for the dead bodies in the freezer. It is sad to see them depart this earth, but the crew really loves ice cream.
Moving on from our geriatric journey we can look at some of our guest entertainers. First let me tell you about jugglers. These performers are so gifted in their art. They take years to develop their skills of gravity defying dexterity. It is truly unimpressive. Unless there is something on fire, or you or catching things that will cause a grizzly and bloody maiming if dropped no one cares. We had a guy juggle something like seven pins while balancing on a ball there’s more stimulation in an Ambien and a glass of malbec. The other common entertainer on ships is the magician. I used to think you’d be really cool if you were described as mysterious. The only people who can be described as mysterious are magicians, and the next descriptor to follow is “creepy,” followed by “pervy,” followed by “probably didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.”
Think about it. Magicians devote their lives to wearing glittery frilly shirts with tight shiny pants to talk about the mysteries of the universe while dancing around stages pretending to cut women in half. This is a classic spelling for a creepy serial rapist murderer. The only difference between them and buffalo bill is that magicians are too big of pussies to go through with the murder and rape part so they can only pretend with magic. FUCKING WEIRD! WEIRD! WEIRD! And they don’t deal well with change, or you know what happens in live theater, so if something goes wrong they freeze up. We recently had a magician who cried on stage when one of his illusions malfunctioned (HILARIOUS). This same magician brought on thousands of pounds of gear to do his act. He needed a special fog machine the size of a fridge for a 30 seconds piece.
But not all acts are crap. The comedians have been rather enjoyable. The comedians are also pretty enjoyable to hang out with, funny people. Besides comedians the dancers and the spa offer the best company. The spa girls are comparable to sorority girls. Drunk, loud, and fun, however that’s where the comparison stops. They are all pretty smart, and quite skilled. I got lucky enough to be chosen to do the weekly demonstration of massages to the guests. Weekly, free 200 dollar massage by beautiful South African babe equals awesome. It also helps to deal with the stress of the workplace.
We have one more 8-day stint as a floating coffin then we begin are journey into the Southern Bahamas. Should be a nice change of pace. enjoy the read.

Ooooo I wanna take you to Bermuda

I'm sitting writing this in a Starbucks waiting to get back on and leave for Canada. Surrounded by the many Americans rushing to their desk jobs, an I think I jus got paid to sit on a beach in Bermuda. This job is starting off pretty awesome.

I must share with you however the rather odd experience I have been having with training. Most of us who have grown up in an English speaking country are ingrained with the knowledge of sexual harassment and proper work place interaction. The ship having only a very small percentage of its employees from these areas needs to teach them these lessons we Americans and apparently civilized folk take for granted.

These training videos are at least entertaining. Most have a lesson about how you can't demand blow jobs from your female co workers, or shove things up their butts (one would not believe how alien that concept can be to some people). One of the videos asks " is it okay for Greg to squeeze Tanya's breasts?" Ya, as long as you say "I'm a doctor" first.

Lastly I'd like to explain something I'm sure I will speak of in great length from time to time. That is the insane amoun of tiny phillipinos on the ship. They are all very, very funny, love karaoke, and come in packs of 4 or more. They make up about 70 percent of the crew doing all the dirty work, and behind the scenes action. Its an army of tiny little orange people in white jumpsuits that come out of secret holes in the wall and floors. They usually only appear to clean up messes or when things break, and they always sing some song when they are present. If you don't get where this is going by now then re up on your child hood memories (skip cheer up Charlie, that shit fucking blows).

So the lesson To be learned is that my ship moves because our captain has an army of oompa-loompas. I seriously believe this is where the inspiration for these guys came from.

That's all for now write again when I get back from Canada