Hurricancelled

As everyone knows this past week Hurricane Sandy rolled up on the east coast of the United States turning subways from Baltimore to NYC into aquariums filled with drowned bums. Because of this ornery bitch of a tropical weather system, our last trip to the beautiful pink sand beaches of Bermuda, and my planned day of diving was cancelled. Now, this doesn’t mean the cruise was cancelled, just the Bermuda part.

So don’t worry passengers, and esteemed guests we will still be sailing. You will now see the beautiful sites of the Chesapeake Bay, and dirty open water as far as the intense rain will allow (about 40 feet).  Also we are going to run out of water because we can’t take up water for showers or toilets this close to American shores. Despite these terrible circumstances, we will still be having high seas fun, or at least you would have.

After it was announced by our captain that we would not be going to Bermuda, more than half of our planned passengers decided to disembark. This was pretty nice considering it meant I had to less than half of what was planned for that week.

SO for the past week I have been in the path of a hurricane running away. Running back into the hurricane to beat it back into the Bay once US coastguard allowed it, and then a bit of time just inside of the Hurricane- I keeps it fucking real.

How many people can say they got all up in some Hurricane’s guts come out the other side and say “eh, it was what evs.” Well I now can. This is not to say that it was easy our troubles came other places that gave humor to our plight.

First to be noted is that our guest entertainers, whom plan to get off after a few days had to stay on board for over a week. One of which had lost his luggage before boarding. He had one pair of pants and an ill-fitting tux for nine days. I have never seen a man so well dressed for breakfast.  Our juggling couple went crazy and started screaming at each other on stage (again I have seen more jugglers already then I have ever hoped to. Juggling is not a feasible option as a career. I want to find these peoples parents and slap them about like a gaggle of Ho’s not trying to pay daddy for their stupidity in allowing their children to pursue a career in cupping and tossing balls), which in all honestly was more entertaining than their actual juggling show.

Even though we had less than half our guests they decided that they would use all the water on the ship, and the Captain had to make a dangerous trek out into open waters to legally take up water for our wasteful guests, and me because I take 45-minute showers (Fuck the environment). This was some of the only time that we could really feel the Hurricanes force. That bitch was mighty pissed.  We made it through the storms and afterward I enlightened my Serbian roommate to good music with a tribute to my old roommate by playing “The Storm is Over” by R Kelly for about three hours. Needless to say I am truly improving the world’s view of Americans.

The celebration didn’t stop there however, that same night was also the crew Halloween party. I was worried my first Halloween away from the magical Disney Land of Athens, Ohio would leave me unfulfilled, and disheartened. While nothing will ever hold a candle to the debauchery, and outlandish experience that is HallOUween the crew party wasn’t that bad. The main reason was that they followed the first law of physics: Any party’s level of awesomeness is directly correlated to the amount of alcohol available for consumption (this law exists whether you use Relative or Newtonian physics so truly it is more consistent then gravity, or the perception of time itself).  And the values that the ship put into this equation were unlimited alcohol…. FO FREE!!! Boomshackalacka!!! Because of this we took the most logical and appropriate course of action: start rocking your toilet chain because it’s time to get shit faced, like explosive diarrhea shitty.

It was almost like being at a frat party that I didn’t pay dues for, except they were paying me. I wish I could tell you more, but we are getting ready to ship out for Puerto Rico. I must elaborate on Halloween (pictures coming soon) soon so look out for it.