Before the Dock runs Dry

Today is the last day where I will have shore leave until after dry dock. What is dry dock you ask? Exactly what it sounds like. You dock out of water for maintenance. I am so very excited because we turn off airconditioning, and running water at certain times of the day. YAY!!! I am looking forward to the fact that we won't have guests for about three weeks in which time I will be growing a righteous face rug. Also They give you a free pair of comfy cover alls that I have already determined will need its sleeves cut off so I might have some new Brover-alls. Since I won't be in contact with anyone state side for about a month I will say these quick things to you.

1. HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2. Stupid white girls on vacation at senior frogs are the best.

3. Supposedly Morgan Freeman died? can someone confirm this for me I dont get much news.

4. Gronk, and Cam Newton ruined my fantasy season.]

5. If anyone wants to let me in on some new music I should download please let me know about it

6. If anyone would be so kind as to mail me all the new episodes of Southpark I would be really happy because I cant stream it and I think I may go into withdrawals soon.

7.  ate

9. theres nothing more annoying than the person who instead of laughing at a comedian or joke just agrees. "Like yes that's funny, so funny I might agree with you." WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

10. Jake if you read this, your 'stache is award winning.

Lastly I have been thinking about trying stand up comedy. I know no one reads this but for my mom and three friends I'd like to start writing my jokes and see what you think, or a video post of my jokes. I can't decide if it would translate well over this series of tubes. 

Go browns and everything or whatever, also Yebehm is fuck in serbian thank you roommate.

A Late Account of how I Accidentally Protested America

I am now half way through my first half of my contract, and I state it this way because the first of one’s contract is when you can be fired at any moment no matter what for any reason.

“Hey, I see your nametag is slightly askew, FIRED!”

“Nice flip-flops in the mess, FIRED!”

“Not wearing Sleeves because you’re too fucking jacked from working out, FIRED!”

“Blowjob from hot mother of two on vacation who looks kind of like the mom from wedding crashers when you squint and are about to bust, FIRED!”

Literally the smallest thing, no matter how miniscule can be brought up as grounds for termination. This post however is not about that I have no intention of being fired a second time (though the only time I was fired I had thanked god and cried tears of joy after finding out). NO! Instead we shall focus on my recent adventures, badassery, and nonchalant caddy-wampus with which my days have been filled. First though we shall give a few points to summarize since again I know my friends are lazy; most of you have only gleaned three words from your skimming of the first paragraphs. None of which were poop, tits, pussy, or owl pellet (We’re into ornithology) so you all probably stopped reading. SO HERE WEEEEEEEEE GO!

1. All roads lead to Rome, and all dark alleys lead to sketchy shit

2.  If it is SUNDAY, MONDAY, or THURSDAY we will be watching football regardless of how important you think your fucking foreign news is.

3. The most common sickness on Boats is caused by someone pooping in your mouth

4. Plantains are dope, end of story

5.  Plantation Slavery was a terrible part of history, but a very fun theme for a family styled restaurant.

6. If you have to walk through a homeless persons sleeping area don’t be rude wipe your feet.

7. If you are holding an alcoholic beverage, or are wearing anything denim then you have no business being in a gym.

8. White people only laugh at Black people jokes if a black person initiates the laughter regardless of if it’s funny or not

9. People who ride the scooters just because they are really fat have two choices, stop eating until you can walk or crack open the car battery in the back of your hov-around and slang back that acid until you better the human race.

10. It is okay to stand by while a man hits a woman ONLY when two conditions are met: they are certified, grade-A trailer trash, and you are shitfaced and cheering.

Our story begins this time in the midst of a grad political struggle for the future of AMERRIKUH, and its people. For those of you who weren’t political science majors, or just busy the island of Puerto Rico is in turmoil and reaching an apex in it’s ongoing debate over their own sovereignty, and relationship with the stars and stripes. It is the day before the vote on this issue, both tempers, and temperatures are running high as demonstrators take to the streets for independence.

Enter me, midday, Old San Juan Docks. Stage left various carts with herpes infested crack heads selling fake bags, and authentic Taiwanese-crafted native jewelry and art. Stage right is Senior Frogs and other local bars. Our ship has been warned of the current political situation, and has been extended armed guards for all tours and passenger groups. Being the responsible explorer that I am, I knew the first thing I had to do… do… do… do

It is at this time I must admit my problem, and no it’s not alcoholism (which is just an excuse for those who lack self control), I suffer from a very serious yet manageable malady known in the medical world as Chronic Unintentional Wandering Syndrome. A strange, and very little understood behavioral disorder. Causing one to engage in fluky escapades and involuntary gallivanting. It is believed to be a nontransferable disease, though it has been observed in groups of un-inoculated where one carrier is present. There is no known cure though some success has been seen in treatment of children using proximity control tethers. Don’t be sad though, like that guy who was allowed to cheat in the Olympics and use robot legs I am handicap-able! BACK IN SAN JUAN

…I knew the first thing I had to do: GET SHITTY! Senior Frogs is still in its offseason so drinks are cheap; as well they treat the cruise staff generously since they want us to bring the passengers. Two very fortunate stipulations that created one of my top five favorite things: FREE TEQUILLA!!! As an experienced connoisseur of this Mexican liquid gold I took my time to really savor and enjoy the nuances and accents of an entire bottle before I left. Once I was ready to explore I strapped my shoes (which that morning had laces) and put on someone else’s sunglasses and headed into town.

            After about 10 minutes of indiscriminate meandering I came upon a street market and fair. What I discovered can only be described as a stereotype reinforcement bonanza. Gaze upon Hispanic women screaming at each other yelling “Ai-hee! Ai-hee!” as they salsa in the middle of a dirty street where a band is randomly playing. Watch as old men in fedoras and wife beaters with open short-sleave silk button downs play dominos. See a disproportionate ratio of children to parents run through an open hydrant. EVERYONE SUCK ON SOME SUGAR CANE! EVERYONE YELL ARIBA! EVERYONE PLAY HAND PERCUSSION! And I swear to god about every third fucking person had a pair of bongos magically propel from their asses and create a cacophony only a 1950’s bigot cartoon character could be proud of.

            After my stay in the hall of tolerance I decided I would need to find the beach. This was the first port since the Hurricane, and I really wanted some beach time. It was at this point I realized the sun exposure, and the tequila had reached a point of critical mass within me throttling me into a BENDVENTURE. Strap into the rollercoaster of wasted excitement! Ride time is who the fuck knows, and you’ll disembark at who the fuck cares station.

            I snuck onto the set of some Puerto Rican commercial with kids holding red umbrellas.  I tried to get into the shot, but somehow they caught me. I guess my 6’2” frame didn’t blend in unnoticed to the 20 four ft. tall children. Also I had an orange umbrella. After that it becomes a large mental slushy of walking through streets, shops, and cafes trying to get directions to the beach. I know at one point I was quite fascinated by pigeons because there were shit ton of pictures of them on my phone.

When I finally started to sober up a bit I was on the beach, and walking, SCORE! Considering I had accomplished what I set out to do, and after a quick check confirmed I still had both my kidneys, I just carried on.

            As I walked along the picturesque sandy shore I started to feel a sinister air creep into my so far incredible adventure. Trash started to appear more frequently on the sands. Old bags and taps hung from tree limbs as shelters. I knew I had wandered to far when in quick succession I walked across a soaking wet mat and a man yelled “Feet! Feet! No! No feet!” chased me off what must have been his prized Persian rug, and another man ran past me in the opposite direction completely naked. I took a cue from the nudist and began to run myself hoping to find an exit to the beach. Oh yeah, this beach I ended up on was at the bottom of a cliff.

            At one side is the ocean, to the other is a cliff covered in thick jungle foliage, and behind me is a man who is quite perturbed about my lack of guest manners who is by now having evening tee with his naked neighbor. As Winston Churchill once said “If you’re going through hell keep going.” So I booked it along the beach Sperrys on just in case I have to double tap z and perform evasive actions. About fifteen minutes of terror three more homeless people, and two crazy people dancing I ran into an American national walking his dogs.

DUDEWITHDOGS: You lost man?

ME: No… Just looking for the stairs you know.

DUDEWITHDOGS: Oh haha there are none, you gotta climb out man. I’d hurry up, this place isn’t exactly family friendly after dark.

            Short story short I climbed. Quick  recap I am exhausted, half drunk, half hung-over, running in boat shoes sand and sea half opened two mighty bloody blisters, I’m covered in dirt and thorns from my climb up a fucking jungle cliff, and I definitely smell like shit. I come out of the brush only to come upon the exact location that all those demonstrators (remember them from the beginning) are congregating before the march and ride out into the city.

            Now I began to receive stares, I mean it is not every day that you see a white guy crawl out of the jungle in the middle of San Juan. I tried to play it off all casual and just started walking away. Then From Behind I start hearing shout and laughter of “Gringo.” That’s when I decided I could be a track athlete. By my rough estimations I ran about three miles in 10 minutes give or take a few seconds. The sun had already gone down, and I was not sticking around to find out what an American in a protest against America gets treated.

            So my experience was quite intense and nearly frightful but I was able to snap this awesome picture of myself on the beach. WORTH IT!

Hurricancelled

As everyone knows this past week Hurricane Sandy rolled up on the east coast of the United States turning subways from Baltimore to NYC into aquariums filled with drowned bums. Because of this ornery bitch of a tropical weather system, our last trip to the beautiful pink sand beaches of Bermuda, and my planned day of diving was cancelled. Now, this doesn’t mean the cruise was cancelled, just the Bermuda part.

So don’t worry passengers, and esteemed guests we will still be sailing. You will now see the beautiful sites of the Chesapeake Bay, and dirty open water as far as the intense rain will allow (about 40 feet).  Also we are going to run out of water because we can’t take up water for showers or toilets this close to American shores. Despite these terrible circumstances, we will still be having high seas fun, or at least you would have.

After it was announced by our captain that we would not be going to Bermuda, more than half of our planned passengers decided to disembark. This was pretty nice considering it meant I had to less than half of what was planned for that week.

SO for the past week I have been in the path of a hurricane running away. Running back into the hurricane to beat it back into the Bay once US coastguard allowed it, and then a bit of time just inside of the Hurricane- I keeps it fucking real.

How many people can say they got all up in some Hurricane’s guts come out the other side and say “eh, it was what evs.” Well I now can. This is not to say that it was easy our troubles came other places that gave humor to our plight.

First to be noted is that our guest entertainers, whom plan to get off after a few days had to stay on board for over a week. One of which had lost his luggage before boarding. He had one pair of pants and an ill-fitting tux for nine days. I have never seen a man so well dressed for breakfast.  Our juggling couple went crazy and started screaming at each other on stage (again I have seen more jugglers already then I have ever hoped to. Juggling is not a feasible option as a career. I want to find these peoples parents and slap them about like a gaggle of Ho’s not trying to pay daddy for their stupidity in allowing their children to pursue a career in cupping and tossing balls), which in all honestly was more entertaining than their actual juggling show.

Even though we had less than half our guests they decided that they would use all the water on the ship, and the Captain had to make a dangerous trek out into open waters to legally take up water for our wasteful guests, and me because I take 45-minute showers (Fuck the environment). This was some of the only time that we could really feel the Hurricanes force. That bitch was mighty pissed.  We made it through the storms and afterward I enlightened my Serbian roommate to good music with a tribute to my old roommate by playing “The Storm is Over” by R Kelly for about three hours. Needless to say I am truly improving the world’s view of Americans.

The celebration didn’t stop there however, that same night was also the crew Halloween party. I was worried my first Halloween away from the magical Disney Land of Athens, Ohio would leave me unfulfilled, and disheartened. While nothing will ever hold a candle to the debauchery, and outlandish experience that is HallOUween the crew party wasn’t that bad. The main reason was that they followed the first law of physics: Any party’s level of awesomeness is directly correlated to the amount of alcohol available for consumption (this law exists whether you use Relative or Newtonian physics so truly it is more consistent then gravity, or the perception of time itself).  And the values that the ship put into this equation were unlimited alcohol…. FO FREE!!! Boomshackalacka!!! Because of this we took the most logical and appropriate course of action: start rocking your toilet chain because it’s time to get shit faced, like explosive diarrhea shitty.

It was almost like being at a frat party that I didn’t pay dues for, except they were paying me. I wish I could tell you more, but we are getting ready to ship out for Puerto Rico. I must elaborate on Halloween (pictures coming soon) soon so look out for it.

Geri-Hattrick: three dead old people in one cruise

I’ve been putting off writing for too long. I was not exactly sure what I wanted to address in this entry. There have been so many major things that I could rant about for hours, but the few who actually read this would then become the fewer who actually read this. Here are a few bullet points for you if you don’t want to read you fucking illiterate shits.
1. No matter how masterful of a juggler you are only entertaining if you juggle things that will kill you
2. Magicians are all creepy by nature
3. If the amount of pounds of gear you bring for your show is more than the number of people who know who you are, than you fucking suck.
4. Anything labeled, as “New England Charm” is code for boring as shit unless you’re over eighty
5. If your getting Ice cream in the mess hall it means more than three people died on the cruise
6. British people tell me they won the war of 1812
7. Red hats in a theater signify those people that may pass away during the performance.
8. Sorting trash is for pussies
9. My pleasure in Afrikaans sounds like “My Pussy”
10. Shower sex in rough waters is dangerous.
Take that all in and process it. Let’s start with the subject of elderly.
I must preface this by saying I am not one of those people who find old people cute,
nor entertaining. I find them old, annoying and sad. It may be ignorant but I do not believe I will ever be so helpless. I also am harboring an intense agitation caused by our recent eight days sailing up majestic New England, and Eastern Canada. I first knew that this trip was going to be a little odd when everything was moved up an hour so that we can be on a schedule more preferable to WWI veterans. Then I noticed the smell. A sort of mixture between woops I pooped myself (with an aged wisdom of course), macaroni that’s been sitting out, and that nasty lipstick your grandma wore. This lingering aroma permeates the whole ship and every elevator and comes to a pungent climax in the theater. They never miss the jugglers because they still remember when juggling was cool, which was around the same time that the rocking horse was exhilarating. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING OLD -- All of them.
It’s as if AARP has brainwashed American elderly that they must all make a pilgrimage to Bar Harbor to buy their bratty grandkids tacky shirts that say I survived Maine. Ya, for some of them surviving Maine really is an accomplishment because they are literally teetering on the ends of their lives. The sports staff goes from teaching tennis lessons to replacing tennis balls on the bottom of walkers. I cannot count the amount of times I had to remind our wise guests where they were,because they couldn’t remember that they were on a ship. There most exciting part of the cruise is riding the elevators for hours because they are either too slow to get off before it starts moving again, or because they keep forgetting what button they pressed, and what floor they wanted to get off on. The only enjoyable part of the old people is that if three of them die during the cruise they have to empty out the ice cream and frozen deserts to make room for the dead bodies in the freezer. It is sad to see them depart this earth, but the crew really loves ice cream.
Moving on from our geriatric journey we can look at some of our guest entertainers. First let me tell you about jugglers. These performers are so gifted in their art. They take years to develop their skills of gravity defying dexterity. It is truly unimpressive. Unless there is something on fire, or you or catching things that will cause a grizzly and bloody maiming if dropped no one cares. We had a guy juggle something like seven pins while balancing on a ball there’s more stimulation in an Ambien and a glass of malbec. The other common entertainer on ships is the magician. I used to think you’d be really cool if you were described as mysterious. The only people who can be described as mysterious are magicians, and the next descriptor to follow is “creepy,” followed by “pervy,” followed by “probably didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.”
Think about it. Magicians devote their lives to wearing glittery frilly shirts with tight shiny pants to talk about the mysteries of the universe while dancing around stages pretending to cut women in half. This is a classic spelling for a creepy serial rapist murderer. The only difference between them and buffalo bill is that magicians are too big of pussies to go through with the murder and rape part so they can only pretend with magic. FUCKING WEIRD! WEIRD! WEIRD! And they don’t deal well with change, or you know what happens in live theater, so if something goes wrong they freeze up. We recently had a magician who cried on stage when one of his illusions malfunctioned (HILARIOUS). This same magician brought on thousands of pounds of gear to do his act. He needed a special fog machine the size of a fridge for a 30 seconds piece.
But not all acts are crap. The comedians have been rather enjoyable. The comedians are also pretty enjoyable to hang out with, funny people. Besides comedians the dancers and the spa offer the best company. The spa girls are comparable to sorority girls. Drunk, loud, and fun, however that’s where the comparison stops. They are all pretty smart, and quite skilled. I got lucky enough to be chosen to do the weekly demonstration of massages to the guests. Weekly, free 200 dollar massage by beautiful South African babe equals awesome. It also helps to deal with the stress of the workplace.
We have one more 8-day stint as a floating coffin then we begin are journey into the Southern Bahamas. Should be a nice change of pace. enjoy the read.

Ooooo I wanna take you to Bermuda

I'm sitting writing this in a Starbucks waiting to get back on and leave for Canada. Surrounded by the many Americans rushing to their desk jobs, an I think I jus got paid to sit on a beach in Bermuda. This job is starting off pretty awesome.

I must share with you however the rather odd experience I have been having with training. Most of us who have grown up in an English speaking country are ingrained with the knowledge of sexual harassment and proper work place interaction. The ship having only a very small percentage of its employees from these areas needs to teach them these lessons we Americans and apparently civilized folk take for granted.

These training videos are at least entertaining. Most have a lesson about how you can't demand blow jobs from your female co workers, or shove things up their butts (one would not believe how alien that concept can be to some people). One of the videos asks " is it okay for Greg to squeeze Tanya's breasts?" Ya, as long as you say "I'm a doctor" first.

Lastly I'd like to explain something I'm sure I will speak of in great length from time to time. That is the insane amoun of tiny phillipinos on the ship. They are all very, very funny, love karaoke, and come in packs of 4 or more. They make up about 70 percent of the crew doing all the dirty work, and behind the scenes action. Its an army of tiny little orange people in white jumpsuits that come out of secret holes in the wall and floors. They usually only appear to clean up messes or when things break, and they always sing some song when they are present. If you don't get where this is going by now then re up on your child hood memories (skip cheer up Charlie, that shit fucking blows).

So the lesson To be learned is that my ship moves because our captain has an army of oompa-loompas. I seriously believe this is where the inspiration for these guys came from.

That's all for now write again when I get back from Canada

My Whole Life Fits in a Duffel

Newly graduated and I have learned so much. Most importantly pieces of paper with fancy fonts, and a big seal are really expensive. It does however say I am a scientist (of talking, yay coms). The other main thing I have learned is that my life will now conveniently fit in a canvas bag with the rough dimensions of fifty inches long and twenty inches wide. I was never a physics student, but  hearing it does not compare to the feeling you get when you see your entire material existence stows into an overhead compartment.

DUF LIFE!

 As most of my friends and family know the reason for this downsizing of my extensive collection of things I don't need is due to my new (and first real world) job working in the theaters of a cruise ship. So why the nautical job? To answer I must first explain a bit about my major of study's post grad potential. 

Getting a degree in audio productions is great if you like your job prospects about as mythical as a unicorn. Sure they exist, but there's no happy unicorn farm job fair like those spoiled business douche canoes get. So us Audio warriors' best option is travel to the magical land of LA to work for one of many powerful wizards doing fetch quests FO' FREE! Don't worry you will get mad amounts of XP so you can really level up your table waiting skills. Being of a wizard hating disposition I decided to find another way to not eat everything in my parents fridge for the rest of my life (though I will miss the constant supply of expensive fruits).  This other way was a job on a cruise ship. Here is how the hiring process went:

Cruise Line: Hey Jake, you want a job where we'll pay you to do what you studied and love?

Me: That sounds pretty good

Cruise Line: Okay now what if we also pay for all your living expenses on top of paying you?

Me: My god you've already sold me. 

Cruise Line:You sure? How bout this we'll also let you travel all over the world and because you're like the coolest guy we've ever met we'll give you full benefits. and you will serendipidously meet and then consequently marry Selena Gomez.

Well, mostly like this I do have to pay for my non work related laundry. However this is not a fairy tale there is some bad: I cannot have a beard. "No beard? that's it?" I happen to be very fond of pogonotrophy and have had some form of facial topiary since I could rock a scraggly pueb-covered chin. I'm sure I'll run into more obstacles as I board and work, but the benefits of traveling the world for free, and getting paid to do what I love seem to far outweigh these, and any future detriments. 

As I write this post staring at the bag containing my life a realization has come over me (here comes the pseudo-intellectual-hipster shit, it is a blog after all.) For the first time as an adult I truly feel free. No papers to write, no homework to do, no crap part time jobs, no worries. Even the massive amount of weight of all the things I own is gone. The duffel represents how little I have lived in comparison to what is to come. That, and fifty dollars in baggage weight charges on my flight to catch my ship. BAGS FLY FREE MY ASS SOUTHWEST!