FREEEDOM!

So we had to change the name again… Someone, not naming names, couldn’t keep a job. So we have a temporary stand in “These are Words” because I’m sure what ever we finally decide to make the title it will probably be formed by words in some sort of discriminate order. The unique situation my life has become has allowed me to do a lot of exploration and discovery. What with all the time, and lack of responsibility one’s life hastily becomes a joke unless justifications can be conjured. The following is a short list of useful things to do when going through a transition.

" I was booooooooorn on a riva!"

1.  Make sure to tell everyone that you feel “truly free” for the first time in your life. Yes, the heavy shackles of a well paying job, have been shattered emancipating you from your conventional prison. Your struggles were hard and you can now raise your clenched fist high in solidarity with other notable long time imprisoned and enslaved Nelson Mandela, those three girls in a Cleveland basement, and Frederick Douglas.

This guy is a god of Hip Hop,
and Pogonotrophy

2. Grow a beard! You now have time for profound thoughts, and your going to need something to run your fingers through looking oh so pensive. Besides razors are a convention of the past not for forward thinkers like you.

3. Your going to be doing a lot of intense, introspective composing over an indefinite amount of time. I cannot stress how important proper sleep and rest will be for this. One should not wake till 10:00 A.M. At least! If one gets up sooner make sure to play candy crush and stretch passively till noon.

4. Try new things. Hiding your tears in the pulsating rains of your shower can become so hum drum. Try crying in public bathrooms, in drive-throughs, or the back of a matinee Tyler Perry Movie.

5. If you have been following this everyone by now knows that you have made this change actively, and out of your own efforts so that you can pursue more important things. Next make sure to work into conversations how wasteful the world is. Water, food, clothes, etc. excess all going to waste. This way they will understand your choice to now shop goodwill, and eat only ramen noodles, and PBJ

6. Become a modern day Robin Hood. Notice the serious imbalance of wealth in your immediate surroundings, and do something about it! Even your family members and friends have become lost to modern greed thanks to our materialistic society. Help show them a better way by removing their temptations and redistributing them to those in need. Remember your doing the righteous thing.

7. You’re abundance of time will allow you to achieve certain tasks that in other situations would be impossible. Doing period studies of current Media is highly encouraged if the right resourced are available (HBO Go, and Netflix).

8.Protest Something! Pick something and run with it. The more obscure the target the better. “The lack of media attention toward Racial profiling of gay penguins’ habitat destruction from fracking is really appalling.”

9. Since you have established your distaste for luxury in favor of a more natural and meaningful lifestyle anything you have, or within your parents household should be sold. The money can be used to set up a charity fund for your self-esteem. It most likely is going through a low point and can use all the illicit substances possible to give it the real kick in the butt to get back up.

10. If you have been following this list you can then fully commit to one of the most pious and transcendent endeavors possible. Join the Urban-Camping movement.

These are just a few of the things one can try during your transition period. Also one can start a blog. You probably have a lot of important things to say to the Internet, and the Internet wants to hear. Lastly remember: you’re only unemployed if you’re trying to find a job.

OHMERGERD WER TERLIN JERKS

first off- FUCK THAT MEAN?!

 Once said by a very perturbed, yet inquisitive Kanyeezy. 

Unrelated: I'm not going to apologize for the long absence in writing. 

1. Im not the apologetic type. 

2. The only shmucks who read this were probably very excited to longer have to listen to me incessantly remind them to read my blog. "it's really good," 

3. "It's not just some whiney quasi-insightful, self-boner licking diary about how much wisdom my recently graduated dumbass can teach you with wordy-wordword-wordwordwords."

4. C'mon SHOES!

5. I work in corporate and can only describe my job for me as being unsuitable, but then I'd also be lying

6. BECAUSE I WORK IN A FUCKING SUIT!

7. GET IT!?

8. August 5th I will be telling stand up jokes.

9. My work sent me an ipad for showing clients buttfucking whatever but the best use I've found for it is playing games while I poop for an hour to avoid our office without air conditioning.

10. accidental racism is real.

SO Yippy yappy yay I'm back. More angry tirades about my retard of a part timer I have to deal with, while not letting make me racist. Yes he is black, but I don't hate him because he is black. I just hate him. Also insights and histories into the ancient and incredibly not secret order of the Cat Lady. and their rivalry with the league of ladies who just recently had babies.  How to's such as how to train your parents. Containing such important lessons like "shitting with the door closed,". 

So get ready, cause this shits about to get heavy.

 and of course we are going to change the name, and we are open to suggestions

Before the Dock runs Dry

Today is the last day where I will have shore leave until after dry dock. What is dry dock you ask? Exactly what it sounds like. You dock out of water for maintenance. I am so very excited because we turn off airconditioning, and running water at certain times of the day. YAY!!! I am looking forward to the fact that we won't have guests for about three weeks in which time I will be growing a righteous face rug. Also They give you a free pair of comfy cover alls that I have already determined will need its sleeves cut off so I might have some new Brover-alls. Since I won't be in contact with anyone state side for about a month I will say these quick things to you.

1. HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2. Stupid white girls on vacation at senior frogs are the best.

3. Supposedly Morgan Freeman died? can someone confirm this for me I dont get much news.

4. Gronk, and Cam Newton ruined my fantasy season.]

5. If anyone wants to let me in on some new music I should download please let me know about it

6. If anyone would be so kind as to mail me all the new episodes of Southpark I would be really happy because I cant stream it and I think I may go into withdrawals soon.

7.  ate

9. theres nothing more annoying than the person who instead of laughing at a comedian or joke just agrees. "Like yes that's funny, so funny I might agree with you." WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

10. Jake if you read this, your 'stache is award winning.

Lastly I have been thinking about trying stand up comedy. I know no one reads this but for my mom and three friends I'd like to start writing my jokes and see what you think, or a video post of my jokes. I can't decide if it would translate well over this series of tubes. 

Go browns and everything or whatever, also Yebehm is fuck in serbian thank you roommate.

A Late Account of how I Accidentally Protested America

I am now half way through my first half of my contract, and I state it this way because the first of one’s contract is when you can be fired at any moment no matter what for any reason.

“Hey, I see your nametag is slightly askew, FIRED!”

“Nice flip-flops in the mess, FIRED!”

“Not wearing Sleeves because you’re too fucking jacked from working out, FIRED!”

“Blowjob from hot mother of two on vacation who looks kind of like the mom from wedding crashers when you squint and are about to bust, FIRED!”

Literally the smallest thing, no matter how miniscule can be brought up as grounds for termination. This post however is not about that I have no intention of being fired a second time (though the only time I was fired I had thanked god and cried tears of joy after finding out). NO! Instead we shall focus on my recent adventures, badassery, and nonchalant caddy-wampus with which my days have been filled. First though we shall give a few points to summarize since again I know my friends are lazy; most of you have only gleaned three words from your skimming of the first paragraphs. None of which were poop, tits, pussy, or owl pellet (We’re into ornithology) so you all probably stopped reading. SO HERE WEEEEEEEEE GO!

1. All roads lead to Rome, and all dark alleys lead to sketchy shit

2.  If it is SUNDAY, MONDAY, or THURSDAY we will be watching football regardless of how important you think your fucking foreign news is.

3. The most common sickness on Boats is caused by someone pooping in your mouth

4. Plantains are dope, end of story

5.  Plantation Slavery was a terrible part of history, but a very fun theme for a family styled restaurant.

6. If you have to walk through a homeless persons sleeping area don’t be rude wipe your feet.

7. If you are holding an alcoholic beverage, or are wearing anything denim then you have no business being in a gym.

8. White people only laugh at Black people jokes if a black person initiates the laughter regardless of if it’s funny or not

9. People who ride the scooters just because they are really fat have two choices, stop eating until you can walk or crack open the car battery in the back of your hov-around and slang back that acid until you better the human race.

10. It is okay to stand by while a man hits a woman ONLY when two conditions are met: they are certified, grade-A trailer trash, and you are shitfaced and cheering.

Our story begins this time in the midst of a grad political struggle for the future of AMERRIKUH, and its people. For those of you who weren’t political science majors, or just busy the island of Puerto Rico is in turmoil and reaching an apex in it’s ongoing debate over their own sovereignty, and relationship with the stars and stripes. It is the day before the vote on this issue, both tempers, and temperatures are running high as demonstrators take to the streets for independence.

Enter me, midday, Old San Juan Docks. Stage left various carts with herpes infested crack heads selling fake bags, and authentic Taiwanese-crafted native jewelry and art. Stage right is Senior Frogs and other local bars. Our ship has been warned of the current political situation, and has been extended armed guards for all tours and passenger groups. Being the responsible explorer that I am, I knew the first thing I had to do… do… do… do

It is at this time I must admit my problem, and no it’s not alcoholism (which is just an excuse for those who lack self control), I suffer from a very serious yet manageable malady known in the medical world as Chronic Unintentional Wandering Syndrome. A strange, and very little understood behavioral disorder. Causing one to engage in fluky escapades and involuntary gallivanting. It is believed to be a nontransferable disease, though it has been observed in groups of un-inoculated where one carrier is present. There is no known cure though some success has been seen in treatment of children using proximity control tethers. Don’t be sad though, like that guy who was allowed to cheat in the Olympics and use robot legs I am handicap-able! BACK IN SAN JUAN

…I knew the first thing I had to do: GET SHITTY! Senior Frogs is still in its offseason so drinks are cheap; as well they treat the cruise staff generously since they want us to bring the passengers. Two very fortunate stipulations that created one of my top five favorite things: FREE TEQUILLA!!! As an experienced connoisseur of this Mexican liquid gold I took my time to really savor and enjoy the nuances and accents of an entire bottle before I left. Once I was ready to explore I strapped my shoes (which that morning had laces) and put on someone else’s sunglasses and headed into town.

            After about 10 minutes of indiscriminate meandering I came upon a street market and fair. What I discovered can only be described as a stereotype reinforcement bonanza. Gaze upon Hispanic women screaming at each other yelling “Ai-hee! Ai-hee!” as they salsa in the middle of a dirty street where a band is randomly playing. Watch as old men in fedoras and wife beaters with open short-sleave silk button downs play dominos. See a disproportionate ratio of children to parents run through an open hydrant. EVERYONE SUCK ON SOME SUGAR CANE! EVERYONE YELL ARIBA! EVERYONE PLAY HAND PERCUSSION! And I swear to god about every third fucking person had a pair of bongos magically propel from their asses and create a cacophony only a 1950’s bigot cartoon character could be proud of.

            After my stay in the hall of tolerance I decided I would need to find the beach. This was the first port since the Hurricane, and I really wanted some beach time. It was at this point I realized the sun exposure, and the tequila had reached a point of critical mass within me throttling me into a BENDVENTURE. Strap into the rollercoaster of wasted excitement! Ride time is who the fuck knows, and you’ll disembark at who the fuck cares station.

            I snuck onto the set of some Puerto Rican commercial with kids holding red umbrellas.  I tried to get into the shot, but somehow they caught me. I guess my 6’2” frame didn’t blend in unnoticed to the 20 four ft. tall children. Also I had an orange umbrella. After that it becomes a large mental slushy of walking through streets, shops, and cafes trying to get directions to the beach. I know at one point I was quite fascinated by pigeons because there were shit ton of pictures of them on my phone.

When I finally started to sober up a bit I was on the beach, and walking, SCORE! Considering I had accomplished what I set out to do, and after a quick check confirmed I still had both my kidneys, I just carried on.

            As I walked along the picturesque sandy shore I started to feel a sinister air creep into my so far incredible adventure. Trash started to appear more frequently on the sands. Old bags and taps hung from tree limbs as shelters. I knew I had wandered to far when in quick succession I walked across a soaking wet mat and a man yelled “Feet! Feet! No! No feet!” chased me off what must have been his prized Persian rug, and another man ran past me in the opposite direction completely naked. I took a cue from the nudist and began to run myself hoping to find an exit to the beach. Oh yeah, this beach I ended up on was at the bottom of a cliff.

            At one side is the ocean, to the other is a cliff covered in thick jungle foliage, and behind me is a man who is quite perturbed about my lack of guest manners who is by now having evening tee with his naked neighbor. As Winston Churchill once said “If you’re going through hell keep going.” So I booked it along the beach Sperrys on just in case I have to double tap z and perform evasive actions. About fifteen minutes of terror three more homeless people, and two crazy people dancing I ran into an American national walking his dogs.

DUDEWITHDOGS: You lost man?

ME: No… Just looking for the stairs you know.

DUDEWITHDOGS: Oh haha there are none, you gotta climb out man. I’d hurry up, this place isn’t exactly family friendly after dark.

            Short story short I climbed. Quick  recap I am exhausted, half drunk, half hung-over, running in boat shoes sand and sea half opened two mighty bloody blisters, I’m covered in dirt and thorns from my climb up a fucking jungle cliff, and I definitely smell like shit. I come out of the brush only to come upon the exact location that all those demonstrators (remember them from the beginning) are congregating before the march and ride out into the city.

            Now I began to receive stares, I mean it is not every day that you see a white guy crawl out of the jungle in the middle of San Juan. I tried to play it off all casual and just started walking away. Then From Behind I start hearing shout and laughter of “Gringo.” That’s when I decided I could be a track athlete. By my rough estimations I ran about three miles in 10 minutes give or take a few seconds. The sun had already gone down, and I was not sticking around to find out what an American in a protest against America gets treated.

            So my experience was quite intense and nearly frightful but I was able to snap this awesome picture of myself on the beach. WORTH IT!