Ask me why I'm awesome

A company I applied for stated that the "Wow-factor" should be a joke or tell them how "kick-butt you are" (giggles). 

Dear River North Commercial Production & Post Company:

When done right, grammar very wrong

What you are reading is a cover letter notifying you of my intent to bust a hot creamy load of efficiency and enthusiasm all over your office. My skills, and experience not only make me someone who can unlock your company’s 7^th chakra, but I’ll have you freakin’ crane-kickin’ the shit out of your future endeavors like my name is Mr. Miyagi. I have vast unnatural powers attained through speaking to the wind, and dining with the noble animal gods. My methods are swift, effective, and like a YouTube video of cats both enjoyable to observe and take part in. Who am I? I’m your new office coordinator, but you may call me- Jake

My incredible mind reading abilities are telling me what you’re thinking: “Oh my GAWD! This person is amazing! I must hire him!” Claw-grab your pony eager beaver! I’m going to need to prepare you for the titillating touch of hot productivity lest be decimated in a whirlwind of success. I have worked in both live and digital production. I have had a multitude of professional roles within a diverse list of genres, and scenarios. I have sold, planned, produced, and managed shows and events for large corporate companies including IBM. I have helped produce music at one of Chicago’s premiere studios with famous pop stars like Jason Derulo, and Jordin Sparks (I've got pics!). I have even shared spotlight with some of Broadway’s current stars. The variety of media that I have engaged in has taught me how to adapt my skills to different scenarios. Like a wolf pack leader I use my past experience and knowledge to rule in a ruthless world were mistakes can be deadly. Though I have raw power in my skill I am as refined as a gentleman. Upon a misty mountain in the southern hills of a mystical land named for goddess Athena resides a school of artisans as well as scientists.That is were I trained my unprocessed talent into a deadly force of awesome!

You doubt my skillz?

For best results hastily connect
with neck of problem.

My Dojo Trained me in both audio, and video production with focus on communication, and business management.  In my wnaderings since leaving the Dojo's nurturing grounds my Kung Fu has only grown more fearsome as I have taught myself many deadly techniques including the use of Photoshop, and browser based technologies. Forever vigilant in observing my surroundings for new information, and techniques my capacity, and speed of learning scares even me. I never answer a request with uncertainty, but instead with the words “I will find out.” Constantly I improve my skills and then use
said skills to punch obstacles in their dumb throats.

Your head must now be ready to explode with the anticipation of working with me, but I am more that just the answer to your prayers. I am also the possessor of the most enjoyable personality on the planet. My attitude brings joy like a heavenly sunbeam.  I infect those around me with this attitude like a coughing baby on a plane. The positivity becomes an epidemic; ground zero: Me!. “But Jake what about under pressure.” I scoff at this question. I have swum with sharks, breathed fire, free climbed waterfalls, played collegiate rugby, and have cut my foot open voluntarily. All while smiling.

If you haven’t yet gone blind from the sheer extent of my awesome described here within then I commend you. You have made it to a crossroads. Do you hire me and enjoy the sweet nectars that my abilities bring, or do you allow the decaying entropy of disorganization rule your office for all eternity? I will attach an accounting of my past deeds and heroics as well as a way to speak with witnesses of the miracle that is me. Godspeed you handsome star child!

Sincerely,

Jake

SCUBA Diver, Black Belt, Westeros Historian, Comedian, International man of mystery and intrigue.