The Neck Tie: A comprehensive history

Here's the skinny: I sold out. Went full Pink on this (if you don't understand that just know that Pink, or P!nk is the greatest sell out of the modern era.) MoFo and 180'd from my previous position of nautical slavery. I now work corporate. It is interesting though there are a lot of silly things corporate people do. So I have decided to stay undercover as an anti-hero, a saboteur, a silent dissenter. Waiting to throw the proverbial wrench in the gear and BURN THIS FUCKER DOWN! Or at least make enough money to move and quit.

I wanted to start my new campaign of subversion by bringing to light one of the most generic things in business the tie, but how many of us truly know how this little filth napkin came into existence?

Is God punishing me for never
 having Friday Classes?

Way way back in ye ole days before Internet (or some other crappy time period) the tie was invented by one incredibly ingenious Manager. You see there has long been the problem of people becoming so depressed from their miserable existence as a knob shining paper jockey that they must kill themselves. Now if this makes you think that the problem this executive saw was the suicide rate of his workers you would be wrong. No, the problem was much simpler than that. In was that in order to depart this world these hopeless individuals had to climb to the top of the roof and jump off, which wasn’t always a guarantee, nor was there roof access on the weekends, which is when workers most want to kill themselves.

Wasted man-hours, the first problem the manager indentified, and tried to solve. He thought “The amount of time it takes for one person to climb the stairs to the roof is ten times as long as the fall down. I could speed up the whole process with some sort of automaton… A mechanical climbing box!”  So he invented the elevator. Unfortunately this attracted delinquent youths whose uninterested parents whom no longer believed in discipline would allow them to push all the buttons on the elevator. This made the climb to the roof take even longer, and was one of the inciting incidents in the Peloponnesian wars.

The executive was even more disheartened and in a fit of shortsightedness sold his automated elevation modifier design for pennies. So he sat and thought until one day while in the park while sitting on his favorite bench as he always did. Feeding pidgeons- no ducks- no laser midgets when suddenly… the oldest laser midget whose eyes had long since gone dark looked into it’s pocket mirror which it kept on it’s comical tuxedo and laser’d itself right in the tiny top heavy face.  The executive was struck by the spear of Pallas Athena, and in the most overly public epiphanic exclamation of the words “HALFIINGS!!”. He thought:  My god instead of making them go to roof I will bring the roof to them.

The actual of the transport of the roof was impossible, as well it would have made the fall shorter causing more broken ankles and less clean employment terminations. So he created a new device He called it the “hand operated personal lead depositing apparatus” The rest of us call it a handgun. Now on the surface this seemed a good idea office provided handguns would work great! No more wasted time, it was quick, and with the installation of the new tarp lined cubicles clean up had never been easier. The H.O.P.L.D.A even came with the capacity to hold six extra supplements in case you decided to be a bitch up to six times. 

The problem came when one worker’s precision with his device became so poor that his preferred method of death became somebody else’s. With the workers seeing that the “personal” part of the handgun only applied to who fired the transfer, but not the recipient they decided it might be easier to turn their attentions to the manager himself. MAN WAS THAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS PARTY!

The manager truly couldn’t get any lower he had been forced to cull his entire staff for improper use of company property. His many attempts at solving his workplace’s largest inefficiency were floundering comical at best, and to top it all off he hadn’t been able to get an erection in a year. This last one really bothered him.  Luckily Both his work, and sexual impotence would be solved simultaneously.

The executive whose confidence in his ability to do his job had gone flaccid did what all men in his position do. Hire a half priced hooker! This one however did not take kindly to his only having Discover. As she might have put it “these titties only take Visa.” With this Tyreke her inappropriately named Caucasian pimp burst in and began to choke the life from our sad manager. With this self-asphyxiation added to the picture he suddenly became rigid both in body and resolve. And realized exactly how to fix his problem.

He sewed the first self-contained murder device we now call a tie. A silk noose discreetly worn at all times that could be made in a plethora of colors, and vomit triggering hotel carpet looking patterns. With silly themes like “dumb shit only a chem teacher finds funny.” The tie truly is a wonder of modern thinking. Now you always had the ability to off your pathetic existence at a moments notice. AND, you could do it with a fashionable flair. The murder fashion industry exploded. They even began adding their own inventions an outfit of wool that one cannot comfortably sit in with a large coat. As it became known the suit as in “this shitty outfit sure SUITS your shitty life,” and “Try to Suite down in a chair comfortably,” “SUITE of bitch thing has to be special cleaned like some sort of sponge-bathed retard.” I digress.

"This one will probably snap your neck
 faster than you can say TPS report!" 

This form of murder also solves the past collateral of a bloody mess to clean up. Now the only thing that happens is you shit yourself right after. Which is appropriate because your job has made you so depressed and miserable the thought of being covered in human feces is actually preferable. Not to mention it makes a great holiday card for the kids. “Merry Christmas from your dead dad! Looks like he got real hung up at work!”   Wacka Shmacka Ding DONG!

Lastly aside form a few garbled noises eerily similar to an aggressively deepthroating from a kid with a peanut allergy going full anaphylactic the whole process is quite silent.  Allowing those who haven’t come to the conclusion that the best possible solution to their day is their own death to continue to work in peace.

Sadly the inventor of the tie died a few months later playing a game of space monkey (GOOGLE IT!). His legacy will forever live on in the miserable dungeons of corporate America. An inspiring tale of how a man can change the way business is done the world over. The slave chain around our necks, and those hooks in the ceiling of every depressing office that have those equally sad indoor ferns hanging from them. Those aren’t really for ferns.