Thursday, July 25, 2013

Ask me why I'm awesome

A company I applied for stated that the "Wow-factor" should be a joke or tell them how "kick-butt you are" (giggles). 

Dear River North Commercial Production & Post Company:


When done right, grammar very wrong
What you are reading is a cover letter notifying you of my intent to bust a hot creamy load of efficiency and enthusiasm all over your office. My skills, and experience not only make me someone who can unlock your company’s 7th chakra, but I’ll have you freakin’ crane-kickin’ the shit out of your future endeavors like my name is Mr. Miyagi. I have vast unnatural powers attained through speaking to the wind, and dining with the noble animal gods. My methods are swift, effective, and like a YouTube video of cats both enjoyable to observe and take part in. Who am I? I’m your new office coordinator, but you may call me- Jake

My incredible mind reading abilities are telling me what you’re thinking: “Oh my GAWD! This person is amazing! I must hire him!” Claw-grab your pony eager beaver! I’m going to need to prepare you for the titillating touch of hot productivity lest be decimated in a whirlwind of success. I have worked in both live and digital production. I have had a multitude of professional roles within a diverse list of genres, and scenarios. I have sold, planned, produced, and managed shows and events for large corporate companies including IBM. I have helped produce music at one of Chicago’s premiere studios with famous pop stars like Jason Derulo, and Jordin Sparks (I've got pics!). I have even shared spotlight with some of Broadway’s current stars. The variety of media that I have engaged in has taught me how to adapt my skills to different scenarios. Like a wolf pack leader I use my past experience and knowledge to rule in a ruthless world were mistakes can be deadly. Though I have raw power in my skill I am as refined as a gentleman. Upon a misty mountain in the southern hills of a mystical land named for goddess Athena resides a school of artisans as well as scientists.That is were I trained my unprocessed talent into a deadly force of awesome!
You doubt my skillz?

For best results hastily connect
with neck of problem.
My Dojo Trained me in both audio, and video production with focus on communication, and business management.  In my wnaderings since leaving the Dojo's nurturing grounds my Kung Fu has only grown more fearsome as I have taught myself many deadly techniques including the use of Photoshop, and browser based technologies. Forever vigilant in observing my surroundings for new information, and techniques my capacity, and speed of learning scares even me. I never answer a request with uncertainty, but instead with the words “I will find out.” Constantly I improve my skills and then use
said skills to punch obstacles in their dumb throats.

Your head must now be ready to explode with the anticipation of working with me, but I am more that just the answer to your prayers. I am also the possessor of the most enjoyable personality on the planet. My attitude brings joy like a heavenly sunbeam.  I infect those around me with this attitude like a coughing baby on a plane. The positivity becomes an epidemic; ground zero: Me!. “But Jake what about under pressure.” I scoff at this question. I have swum with sharks, breathed fire, free climbed waterfalls, played collegiate rugby, and have cut my foot open voluntarily. All while smiling.

If you haven’t yet gone blind from the sheer extent of my awesome described here within then I commend you. You have made it to a crossroads. Do you hire me and enjoy the sweet nectars that my abilities bring, or do you allow the decaying entropy of disorganization rule your office for all eternity? I will attach an accounting of my past deeds and heroics as well as a way to speak with witnesses of the miracle that is me. Godspeed you handsome star child!

Sincerely,
Jake
SCUBA Diver, Black Belt, Westeros Historian, Comedian, International man of mystery and intrigue. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

FREEEDOM!

So we had to change the name again… Someone, not naming names, couldn’t keep a job. So we have a temporary stand in “These are Words” because I’m sure what ever we finally decide to make the title it will probably be formed by words in some sort of discriminate order. The unique situation my life has become has allowed me to do a lot of exploration and discovery. What with all the time, and lack of responsibility one’s life hastily becomes a joke unless justifications can be conjured. The following is a short list of useful things to do when going through a transition.

" I was booooooooorn on a riva!"
1.  Make sure to tell everyone that you feel “truly free” for the first time in your life. Yes, the heavy shackles of a well paying job, have been shattered emancipating you from your conventional prison. Your struggles were hard and you can now raise your clenched fist high in solidarity with other notable long time imprisoned and enslaved Nelson Mandela, those three girls in a Cleveland basement, and Frederick Douglas.

This guy is a god of Hip Hop,
and Pogonotrophy
2. Grow a beard! You now have time for profound thoughts, and your going to need something to run your fingers through looking oh so pensive. Besides razors are a convention of the past not for forward thinkers like you.

3. Your going to be doing a lot of intense, introspective composing over an indefinite amount of time. I cannot stress how important proper sleep and rest will be for this. One should not wake till 10:00 A.M. At least! If one gets up sooner make sure to play candy crush and stretch passively till noon.

4. Try new things. Hiding your tears in the pulsating rains of your shower can become so hum drum. Try crying in public bathrooms, in drive-throughs, or the back of a matinee Tyler Perry Movie.

5. If you have been following this everyone by now knows that you have made this change actively, and out of your own efforts so that you can pursue more important things. Next make sure to work into conversations how wasteful the world is. Water, food, clothes, etc. excess all going to waste. This way they will understand your choice to now shop goodwill, and eat only ramen noodles, and PBJ

6. Become a modern day Robin Hood. Notice the serious imbalance of wealth in your immediate surroundings, and do something about it! Even your family members and friends have become lost to modern greed thanks to our materialistic society. Help show them a better way by removing their temptations and redistributing them to those in need. Remember your doing the righteous thing.

7. You’re abundance of time will allow you to achieve certain tasks that in other situations would be impossible. Doing period studies of current Media is highly encouraged if the right resourced are available (HBO Go, and Netflix).

8.Protest Something! Pick something and run with it. The more obscure the target the better. “The lack of media attention toward Racial profiling of gay penguins’ habitat destruction from fracking is really appalling.”

9. Since you have established your distaste for luxury in favor of a more natural and meaningful lifestyle anything you have, or within your parents household should be sold. The money can be used to set up a charity fund for your self-esteem. It most likely is going through a low point and can use all the illicit substances possible to give it the real kick in the butt to get back up.

10. If you have been following this list you can then fully commit to one of the most pious and transcendent endeavors possible. Join the Urban-Camping movement.


These are just a few of the things one can try during your transition period. Also one can start a blog. You probably have a lot of important things to say to the Internet, and the Internet wants to hear. Lastly remember: you’re only unemployed if you’re trying to find a job.