Here's
the skinny: I sold out. Went full Pink on this (if you don't understand that
just know that Pink, or P!nk is the greatest sell out of the modern era.) MoFo
and 180'd from my previous position of nautical slavery. I now work corporate.
It is interesting though there are a lot of silly things corporate people do.
So I have decided to stay undercover as an anti-hero, a saboteur, a silent
dissenter. Waiting to throw the proverbial wrench in the gear and BURN THIS
FUCKER DOWN! Or at least make enough money to move and quit.
I
wanted to start my new campaign of subversion by bringing to light one of the
most generic things in business the tie, but how many of us truly know how this
little filth napkin came into existence?
 |
Is God punishing me for never
having Friday Classes? |
Way
way back in ye ole days before Internet (or some other crappy time period) the
tie was invented by one incredibly ingenious Manager. You see there has long
been the problem of people becoming so depressed from their miserable existence
as a knob shining paper jockey that they must kill themselves. Now if this
makes you think that the problem this executive saw was the suicide rate of his
workers you would be wrong. No, the problem was much simpler than that. In was
that in order to depart this world these hopeless individuals had to climb to
the top of the roof and jump off, which wasn’t always a guarantee, nor was
there roof access on the weekends, which is when workers most want to kill themselves.
Wasted
man-hours, the first problem the manager indentified, and tried to solve. He
thought “The amount of time it takes for one person to climb the stairs to the
roof is ten times as long as the fall down. I could speed up the whole process
with some sort of automaton… A mechanical climbing box!” So he invented the elevator.
Unfortunately this attracted delinquent youths whose uninterested parents whom
no longer believed in discipline would allow them to push all the buttons on
the elevator. This made the climb to the roof take even longer,
and was one of the inciting incidents in the Peloponnesian wars.
The
executive was even more disheartened and in a fit of shortsightedness sold his
automated elevation modifier design for pennies. So he sat and thought until
one day while in the park while sitting on his favorite bench as he always
did. Feeding pidgeons- no ducks- no laser midgets when suddenly… the oldest
laser midget whose eyes had long since gone dark looked into it’s pocket mirror
which it kept on it’s comical tuxedo and laser’d itself right in the tiny top
heavy face. The executive was struck
by the spear of Pallas Athena, and in the most overly public epiphanic
exclamation of the words “HALFIINGS!!”. He thought: My god instead of making them go to roof I will bring the
roof to them.
The actual of the transport of the roof was impossible, as well it would have
made the fall shorter causing more broken ankles and less clean employment
terminations. So he created a new device He called it the “hand operated
personal lead depositing apparatus” The rest of us call it a handgun. Now on the
surface this seemed a good idea office provided handguns would work great! No
more wasted time, it was quick, and with the installation of the new tarp lined
cubicles clean up had never been easier. The H.O.P.L.D.A even came with the
capacity to hold six extra supplements in case you decided to be a bitch up to
six times.
The
problem came when one worker’s precision with his device became so poor that
his preferred method of death became somebody else’s. With the workers seeing
that the “personal” part of the handgun only applied to who fired the transfer,
but not the recipient they decided it might be easier to turn their attentions
to the manager himself. MAN WAS THAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS PARTY!
The
manager truly couldn’t get any lower he had been forced to cull his entire
staff for improper use of company property. His many attempts at solving his
workplace’s largest inefficiency were floundering comical at best, and to top
it all off he hadn’t been able to get an erection in a year. This last one really
bothered him. Luckily Both his
work, and sexual impotence would be solved simultaneously.
The
executive whose confidence in his ability to do his job had gone flaccid did
what all men in his position do. Hire a half priced hooker! This one however
did not take kindly to his only having Discover. As she might have put it
“these titties only take Visa.” With this Tyreke her inappropriately named
Caucasian pimp burst in and began to choke the life from our sad manager. With
this self-asphyxiation added to the picture he suddenly became rigid both in
body and resolve. And realized exactly how to fix his problem.
He
sewed the first self-contained murder device we now call a tie. A silk noose
discreetly worn at all times that could be made in a plethora of colors, and
vomit triggering hotel carpet looking patterns. With silly themes like “dumb
shit only a chem teacher finds funny.” The tie truly is a wonder of modern
thinking. Now you always had the ability to off your pathetic existence at a
moments notice. AND, you could do it with a fashionable flair. The murder
fashion industry exploded. They even began adding their own inventions an
outfit of wool that one cannot comfortably sit in with a large coat. As it
became known the suit as in “this shitty outfit sure SUITS your shitty life,”
and “Try to Suite down in a chair comfortably,” “SUITE of bitch thing has to be
special cleaned like some sort of sponge-bathed retard.” I digress.
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"This one will probably snap your neck
faster than you can say TPS report!" |
This
form of murder also solves the past collateral of a bloody mess to clean up.
Now the only thing that happens is you shit yourself right after. Which is
appropriate because your job has made you so depressed and miserable the
thought of being covered in human feces is actually preferable. Not to mention
it makes a great holiday card for the kids. “Merry Christmas from your dead
dad! Looks like he got real hung up at work!” Wacka Shmacka Ding DONG!
Lastly
aside form a few garbled noises eerily similar to an aggressively deepthroating
from a kid with a peanut allergy going full anaphylactic the whole process is
quite silent. Allowing those who
haven’t come to the conclusion that the best possible solution to their day is
their own death to continue to work in peace.
Sadly
the inventor of the tie died a few months later playing a game of space monkey
(GOOGLE IT!). His legacy will forever live on in the miserable dungeons of
corporate America. An inspiring tale of how a man can change the way business
is done the world over. The slave chain around our necks, and those hooks in
the ceiling of every depressing office that have those equally sad indoor ferns
hanging from them. Those aren’t really for ferns.
