Ask me why I'm awesome

A company I applied for stated that the "Wow-factor" should be a joke or tell them how "kick-butt you are" (giggles). 

Dear River North Commercial Production & Post Company:

When done right, grammar very wrong

What you are reading is a cover letter notifying you of my intent to bust a hot creamy load of efficiency and enthusiasm all over your office. My skills, and experience not only make me someone who can unlock your company’s 7^th chakra, but I’ll have you freakin’ crane-kickin’ the shit out of your future endeavors like my name is Mr. Miyagi. I have vast unnatural powers attained through speaking to the wind, and dining with the noble animal gods. My methods are swift, effective, and like a YouTube video of cats both enjoyable to observe and take part in. Who am I? I’m your new office coordinator, but you may call me- Jake

My incredible mind reading abilities are telling me what you’re thinking: “Oh my GAWD! This person is amazing! I must hire him!” Claw-grab your pony eager beaver! I’m going to need to prepare you for the titillating touch of hot productivity lest be decimated in a whirlwind of success. I have worked in both live and digital production. I have had a multitude of professional roles within a diverse list of genres, and scenarios. I have sold, planned, produced, and managed shows and events for large corporate companies including IBM. I have helped produce music at one of Chicago’s premiere studios with famous pop stars like Jason Derulo, and Jordin Sparks (I've got pics!). I have even shared spotlight with some of Broadway’s current stars. The variety of media that I have engaged in has taught me how to adapt my skills to different scenarios. Like a wolf pack leader I use my past experience and knowledge to rule in a ruthless world were mistakes can be deadly. Though I have raw power in my skill I am as refined as a gentleman. Upon a misty mountain in the southern hills of a mystical land named for goddess Athena resides a school of artisans as well as scientists.That is were I trained my unprocessed talent into a deadly force of awesome!

You doubt my skillz?

For best results hastily connect
with neck of problem.

My Dojo Trained me in both audio, and video production with focus on communication, and business management.  In my wnaderings since leaving the Dojo's nurturing grounds my Kung Fu has only grown more fearsome as I have taught myself many deadly techniques including the use of Photoshop, and browser based technologies. Forever vigilant in observing my surroundings for new information, and techniques my capacity, and speed of learning scares even me. I never answer a request with uncertainty, but instead with the words “I will find out.” Constantly I improve my skills and then use
said skills to punch obstacles in their dumb throats.

Your head must now be ready to explode with the anticipation of working with me, but I am more that just the answer to your prayers. I am also the possessor of the most enjoyable personality on the planet. My attitude brings joy like a heavenly sunbeam.  I infect those around me with this attitude like a coughing baby on a plane. The positivity becomes an epidemic; ground zero: Me!. “But Jake what about under pressure.” I scoff at this question. I have swum with sharks, breathed fire, free climbed waterfalls, played collegiate rugby, and have cut my foot open voluntarily. All while smiling.

If you haven’t yet gone blind from the sheer extent of my awesome described here within then I commend you. You have made it to a crossroads. Do you hire me and enjoy the sweet nectars that my abilities bring, or do you allow the decaying entropy of disorganization rule your office for all eternity? I will attach an accounting of my past deeds and heroics as well as a way to speak with witnesses of the miracle that is me. Godspeed you handsome star child!

Sincerely,

Jake

SCUBA Diver, Black Belt, Westeros Historian, Comedian, International man of mystery and intrigue. 

FREEEDOM!

So we had to change the name again… Someone, not naming names, couldn’t keep a job. So we have a temporary stand in “These are Words” because I’m sure what ever we finally decide to make the title it will probably be formed by words in some sort of discriminate order. The unique situation my life has become has allowed me to do a lot of exploration and discovery. What with all the time, and lack of responsibility one’s life hastily becomes a joke unless justifications can be conjured. The following is a short list of useful things to do when going through a transition.

" I was booooooooorn on a riva!"

1.  Make sure to tell everyone that you feel “truly free” for the first time in your life. Yes, the heavy shackles of a well paying job, have been shattered emancipating you from your conventional prison. Your struggles were hard and you can now raise your clenched fist high in solidarity with other notable long time imprisoned and enslaved Nelson Mandela, those three girls in a Cleveland basement, and Frederick Douglas.

This guy is a god of Hip Hop,
and Pogonotrophy

2. Grow a beard! You now have time for profound thoughts, and your going to need something to run your fingers through looking oh so pensive. Besides razors are a convention of the past not for forward thinkers like you.

3. Your going to be doing a lot of intense, introspective composing over an indefinite amount of time. I cannot stress how important proper sleep and rest will be for this. One should not wake till 10:00 A.M. At least! If one gets up sooner make sure to play candy crush and stretch passively till noon.

4. Try new things. Hiding your tears in the pulsating rains of your shower can become so hum drum. Try crying in public bathrooms, in drive-throughs, or the back of a matinee Tyler Perry Movie.

5. If you have been following this everyone by now knows that you have made this change actively, and out of your own efforts so that you can pursue more important things. Next make sure to work into conversations how wasteful the world is. Water, food, clothes, etc. excess all going to waste. This way they will understand your choice to now shop goodwill, and eat only ramen noodles, and PBJ

6. Become a modern day Robin Hood. Notice the serious imbalance of wealth in your immediate surroundings, and do something about it! Even your family members and friends have become lost to modern greed thanks to our materialistic society. Help show them a better way by removing their temptations and redistributing them to those in need. Remember your doing the righteous thing.

7. You’re abundance of time will allow you to achieve certain tasks that in other situations would be impossible. Doing period studies of current Media is highly encouraged if the right resourced are available (HBO Go, and Netflix).

8.Protest Something! Pick something and run with it. The more obscure the target the better. “The lack of media attention toward Racial profiling of gay penguins’ habitat destruction from fracking is really appalling.”

9. Since you have established your distaste for luxury in favor of a more natural and meaningful lifestyle anything you have, or within your parents household should be sold. The money can be used to set up a charity fund for your self-esteem. It most likely is going through a low point and can use all the illicit substances possible to give it the real kick in the butt to get back up.

10. If you have been following this list you can then fully commit to one of the most pious and transcendent endeavors possible. Join the Urban-Camping movement.

These are just a few of the things one can try during your transition period. Also one can start a blog. You probably have a lot of important things to say to the Internet, and the Internet wants to hear. Lastly remember: you’re only unemployed if you’re trying to find a job.

The Neck Tie: A comprehensive history

Here's the skinny: I sold out. Went full Pink on this (if you don't understand that just know that Pink, or P!nk is the greatest sell out of the modern era.) MoFo and 180'd from my previous position of nautical slavery. I now work corporate. It is interesting though there are a lot of silly things corporate people do. So I have decided to stay undercover as an anti-hero, a saboteur, a silent dissenter. Waiting to throw the proverbial wrench in the gear and BURN THIS FUCKER DOWN! Or at least make enough money to move and quit.

I wanted to start my new campaign of subversion by bringing to light one of the most generic things in business the tie, but how many of us truly know how this little filth napkin came into existence?

Is God punishing me for never
 having Friday Classes?

Way way back in ye ole days before Internet (or some other crappy time period) the tie was invented by one incredibly ingenious Manager. You see there has long been the problem of people becoming so depressed from their miserable existence as a knob shining paper jockey that they must kill themselves. Now if this makes you think that the problem this executive saw was the suicide rate of his workers you would be wrong. No, the problem was much simpler than that. In was that in order to depart this world these hopeless individuals had to climb to the top of the roof and jump off, which wasn’t always a guarantee, nor was there roof access on the weekends, which is when workers most want to kill themselves.

Wasted man-hours, the first problem the manager indentified, and tried to solve. He thought “The amount of time it takes for one person to climb the stairs to the roof is ten times as long as the fall down. I could speed up the whole process with some sort of automaton… A mechanical climbing box!”  So he invented the elevator. Unfortunately this attracted delinquent youths whose uninterested parents whom no longer believed in discipline would allow them to push all the buttons on the elevator. This made the climb to the roof take even longer, and was one of the inciting incidents in the Peloponnesian wars.

The executive was even more disheartened and in a fit of shortsightedness sold his automated elevation modifier design for pennies. So he sat and thought until one day while in the park while sitting on his favorite bench as he always did. Feeding pidgeons- no ducks- no laser midgets when suddenly… the oldest laser midget whose eyes had long since gone dark looked into it’s pocket mirror which it kept on it’s comical tuxedo and laser’d itself right in the tiny top heavy face.  The executive was struck by the spear of Pallas Athena, and in the most overly public epiphanic exclamation of the words “HALFIINGS!!”. He thought:  My god instead of making them go to roof I will bring the roof to them.

The actual of the transport of the roof was impossible, as well it would have made the fall shorter causing more broken ankles and less clean employment terminations. So he created a new device He called it the “hand operated personal lead depositing apparatus” The rest of us call it a handgun. Now on the surface this seemed a good idea office provided handguns would work great! No more wasted time, it was quick, and with the installation of the new tarp lined cubicles clean up had never been easier. The H.O.P.L.D.A even came with the capacity to hold six extra supplements in case you decided to be a bitch up to six times. 

The problem came when one worker’s precision with his device became so poor that his preferred method of death became somebody else’s. With the workers seeing that the “personal” part of the handgun only applied to who fired the transfer, but not the recipient they decided it might be easier to turn their attentions to the manager himself. MAN WAS THAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS PARTY!

The manager truly couldn’t get any lower he had been forced to cull his entire staff for improper use of company property. His many attempts at solving his workplace’s largest inefficiency were floundering comical at best, and to top it all off he hadn’t been able to get an erection in a year. This last one really bothered him.  Luckily Both his work, and sexual impotence would be solved simultaneously.

The executive whose confidence in his ability to do his job had gone flaccid did what all men in his position do. Hire a half priced hooker! This one however did not take kindly to his only having Discover. As she might have put it “these titties only take Visa.” With this Tyreke her inappropriately named Caucasian pimp burst in and began to choke the life from our sad manager. With this self-asphyxiation added to the picture he suddenly became rigid both in body and resolve. And realized exactly how to fix his problem.

He sewed the first self-contained murder device we now call a tie. A silk noose discreetly worn at all times that could be made in a plethora of colors, and vomit triggering hotel carpet looking patterns. With silly themes like “dumb shit only a chem teacher finds funny.” The tie truly is a wonder of modern thinking. Now you always had the ability to off your pathetic existence at a moments notice. AND, you could do it with a fashionable flair. The murder fashion industry exploded. They even began adding their own inventions an outfit of wool that one cannot comfortably sit in with a large coat. As it became known the suit as in “this shitty outfit sure SUITS your shitty life,” and “Try to Suite down in a chair comfortably,” “SUITE of bitch thing has to be special cleaned like some sort of sponge-bathed retard.” I digress.

"This one will probably snap your neck
 faster than you can say TPS report!" 

This form of murder also solves the past collateral of a bloody mess to clean up. Now the only thing that happens is you shit yourself right after. Which is appropriate because your job has made you so depressed and miserable the thought of being covered in human feces is actually preferable. Not to mention it makes a great holiday card for the kids. “Merry Christmas from your dead dad! Looks like he got real hung up at work!”   Wacka Shmacka Ding DONG!

Lastly aside form a few garbled noises eerily similar to an aggressively deepthroating from a kid with a peanut allergy going full anaphylactic the whole process is quite silent.  Allowing those who haven’t come to the conclusion that the best possible solution to their day is their own death to continue to work in peace.

Sadly the inventor of the tie died a few months later playing a game of space monkey (GOOGLE IT!). His legacy will forever live on in the miserable dungeons of corporate America. An inspiring tale of how a man can change the way business is done the world over. The slave chain around our necks, and those hooks in the ceiling of every depressing office that have those equally sad indoor ferns hanging from them. Those aren’t really for ferns.

OHMERGERD WER TERLIN JERKS

first off- FUCK THAT MEAN?!

 Once said by a very perturbed, yet inquisitive Kanyeezy. 

Unrelated: I'm not going to apologize for the long absence in writing. 

1. Im not the apologetic type. 

2. The only shmucks who read this were probably very excited to longer have to listen to me incessantly remind them to read my blog. "it's really good," 

3. "It's not just some whiney quasi-insightful, self-boner licking diary about how much wisdom my recently graduated dumbass can teach you with wordy-wordword-wordwordwords."

4. C'mon SHOES!

5. I work in corporate and can only describe my job for me as being unsuitable, but then I'd also be lying

6. BECAUSE I WORK IN A FUCKING SUIT!

7. GET IT!?

8. August 5th I will be telling stand up jokes.

9. My work sent me an ipad for showing clients buttfucking whatever but the best use I've found for it is playing games while I poop for an hour to avoid our office without air conditioning.

10. accidental racism is real.

SO Yippy yappy yay I'm back. More angry tirades about my retard of a part timer I have to deal with, while not letting make me racist. Yes he is black, but I don't hate him because he is black. I just hate him. Also insights and histories into the ancient and incredibly not secret order of the Cat Lady. and their rivalry with the league of ladies who just recently had babies.  How to's such as how to train your parents. Containing such important lessons like "shitting with the door closed,". 

So get ready, cause this shits about to get heavy.

 and of course we are going to change the name, and we are open to suggestions

Before the Dock runs Dry

Today is the last day where I will have shore leave until after dry dock. What is dry dock you ask? Exactly what it sounds like. You dock out of water for maintenance. I am so very excited because we turn off airconditioning, and running water at certain times of the day. YAY!!! I am looking forward to the fact that we won't have guests for about three weeks in which time I will be growing a righteous face rug. Also They give you a free pair of comfy cover alls that I have already determined will need its sleeves cut off so I might have some new Brover-alls. Since I won't be in contact with anyone state side for about a month I will say these quick things to you.

1. HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2. Stupid white girls on vacation at senior frogs are the best.

3. Supposedly Morgan Freeman died? can someone confirm this for me I dont get much news.

4. Gronk, and Cam Newton ruined my fantasy season.]

5. If anyone wants to let me in on some new music I should download please let me know about it

6. If anyone would be so kind as to mail me all the new episodes of Southpark I would be really happy because I cant stream it and I think I may go into withdrawals soon.

7.  ate

9. theres nothing more annoying than the person who instead of laughing at a comedian or joke just agrees. "Like yes that's funny, so funny I might agree with you." WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

10. Jake if you read this, your 'stache is award winning.

Lastly I have been thinking about trying stand up comedy. I know no one reads this but for my mom and three friends I'd like to start writing my jokes and see what you think, or a video post of my jokes. I can't decide if it would translate well over this series of tubes. 

Go browns and everything or whatever, also Yebehm is fuck in serbian thank you roommate.

A Late Account of how I Accidentally Protested America

I am now half way through my first half of my contract, and I state it this way because the first of one’s contract is when you can be fired at any moment no matter what for any reason.

“Hey, I see your nametag is slightly askew, FIRED!”

“Nice flip-flops in the mess, FIRED!”

“Not wearing Sleeves because you’re too fucking jacked from working out, FIRED!”

“Blowjob from hot mother of two on vacation who looks kind of like the mom from wedding crashers when you squint and are about to bust, FIRED!”

Literally the smallest thing, no matter how miniscule can be brought up as grounds for termination. This post however is not about that I have no intention of being fired a second time (though the only time I was fired I had thanked god and cried tears of joy after finding out). NO! Instead we shall focus on my recent adventures, badassery, and nonchalant caddy-wampus with which my days have been filled. First though we shall give a few points to summarize since again I know my friends are lazy; most of you have only gleaned three words from your skimming of the first paragraphs. None of which were poop, tits, pussy, or owl pellet (We’re into ornithology) so you all probably stopped reading. SO HERE WEEEEEEEEE GO!

1. All roads lead to Rome, and all dark alleys lead to sketchy shit

2.  If it is SUNDAY, MONDAY, or THURSDAY we will be watching football regardless of how important you think your fucking foreign news is.

3. The most common sickness on Boats is caused by someone pooping in your mouth

4. Plantains are dope, end of story

5.  Plantation Slavery was a terrible part of history, but a very fun theme for a family styled restaurant.

6. If you have to walk through a homeless persons sleeping area don’t be rude wipe your feet.

7. If you are holding an alcoholic beverage, or are wearing anything denim then you have no business being in a gym.

8. White people only laugh at Black people jokes if a black person initiates the laughter regardless of if it’s funny or not

9. People who ride the scooters just because they are really fat have two choices, stop eating until you can walk or crack open the car battery in the back of your hov-around and slang back that acid until you better the human race.

10. It is okay to stand by while a man hits a woman ONLY when two conditions are met: they are certified, grade-A trailer trash, and you are shitfaced and cheering.

Our story begins this time in the midst of a grad political struggle for the future of AMERRIKUH, and its people. For those of you who weren’t political science majors, or just busy the island of Puerto Rico is in turmoil and reaching an apex in it’s ongoing debate over their own sovereignty, and relationship with the stars and stripes. It is the day before the vote on this issue, both tempers, and temperatures are running high as demonstrators take to the streets for independence.

Enter me, midday, Old San Juan Docks. Stage left various carts with herpes infested crack heads selling fake bags, and authentic Taiwanese-crafted native jewelry and art. Stage right is Senior Frogs and other local bars. Our ship has been warned of the current political situation, and has been extended armed guards for all tours and passenger groups. Being the responsible explorer that I am, I knew the first thing I had to do… do… do… do

It is at this time I must admit my problem, and no it’s not alcoholism (which is just an excuse for those who lack self control), I suffer from a very serious yet manageable malady known in the medical world as Chronic Unintentional Wandering Syndrome. A strange, and very little understood behavioral disorder. Causing one to engage in fluky escapades and involuntary gallivanting. It is believed to be a nontransferable disease, though it has been observed in groups of un-inoculated where one carrier is present. There is no known cure though some success has been seen in treatment of children using proximity control tethers. Don’t be sad though, like that guy who was allowed to cheat in the Olympics and use robot legs I am handicap-able! BACK IN SAN JUAN

…I knew the first thing I had to do: GET SHITTY! Senior Frogs is still in its offseason so drinks are cheap; as well they treat the cruise staff generously since they want us to bring the passengers. Two very fortunate stipulations that created one of my top five favorite things: FREE TEQUILLA!!! As an experienced connoisseur of this Mexican liquid gold I took my time to really savor and enjoy the nuances and accents of an entire bottle before I left. Once I was ready to explore I strapped my shoes (which that morning had laces) and put on someone else’s sunglasses and headed into town.

            After about 10 minutes of indiscriminate meandering I came upon a street market and fair. What I discovered can only be described as a stereotype reinforcement bonanza. Gaze upon Hispanic women screaming at each other yelling “Ai-hee! Ai-hee!” as they salsa in the middle of a dirty street where a band is randomly playing. Watch as old men in fedoras and wife beaters with open short-sleave silk button downs play dominos. See a disproportionate ratio of children to parents run through an open hydrant. EVERYONE SUCK ON SOME SUGAR CANE! EVERYONE YELL ARIBA! EVERYONE PLAY HAND PERCUSSION! And I swear to god about every third fucking person had a pair of bongos magically propel from their asses and create a cacophony only a 1950’s bigot cartoon character could be proud of.

            After my stay in the hall of tolerance I decided I would need to find the beach. This was the first port since the Hurricane, and I really wanted some beach time. It was at this point I realized the sun exposure, and the tequila had reached a point of critical mass within me throttling me into a BENDVENTURE. Strap into the rollercoaster of wasted excitement! Ride time is who the fuck knows, and you’ll disembark at who the fuck cares station.

            I snuck onto the set of some Puerto Rican commercial with kids holding red umbrellas.  I tried to get into the shot, but somehow they caught me. I guess my 6’2” frame didn’t blend in unnoticed to the 20 four ft. tall children. Also I had an orange umbrella. After that it becomes a large mental slushy of walking through streets, shops, and cafes trying to get directions to the beach. I know at one point I was quite fascinated by pigeons because there were shit ton of pictures of them on my phone.

When I finally started to sober up a bit I was on the beach, and walking, SCORE! Considering I had accomplished what I set out to do, and after a quick check confirmed I still had both my kidneys, I just carried on.

            As I walked along the picturesque sandy shore I started to feel a sinister air creep into my so far incredible adventure. Trash started to appear more frequently on the sands. Old bags and taps hung from tree limbs as shelters. I knew I had wandered to far when in quick succession I walked across a soaking wet mat and a man yelled “Feet! Feet! No! No feet!” chased me off what must have been his prized Persian rug, and another man ran past me in the opposite direction completely naked. I took a cue from the nudist and began to run myself hoping to find an exit to the beach. Oh yeah, this beach I ended up on was at the bottom of a cliff.

            At one side is the ocean, to the other is a cliff covered in thick jungle foliage, and behind me is a man who is quite perturbed about my lack of guest manners who is by now having evening tee with his naked neighbor. As Winston Churchill once said “If you’re going through hell keep going.” So I booked it along the beach Sperrys on just in case I have to double tap z and perform evasive actions. About fifteen minutes of terror three more homeless people, and two crazy people dancing I ran into an American national walking his dogs.

DUDEWITHDOGS: You lost man?

ME: No… Just looking for the stairs you know.

DUDEWITHDOGS: Oh haha there are none, you gotta climb out man. I’d hurry up, this place isn’t exactly family friendly after dark.

            Short story short I climbed. Quick  recap I am exhausted, half drunk, half hung-over, running in boat shoes sand and sea half opened two mighty bloody blisters, I’m covered in dirt and thorns from my climb up a fucking jungle cliff, and I definitely smell like shit. I come out of the brush only to come upon the exact location that all those demonstrators (remember them from the beginning) are congregating before the march and ride out into the city.

            Now I began to receive stares, I mean it is not every day that you see a white guy crawl out of the jungle in the middle of San Juan. I tried to play it off all casual and just started walking away. Then From Behind I start hearing shout and laughter of “Gringo.” That’s when I decided I could be a track athlete. By my rough estimations I ran about three miles in 10 minutes give or take a few seconds. The sun had already gone down, and I was not sticking around to find out what an American in a protest against America gets treated.

            So my experience was quite intense and nearly frightful but I was able to snap this awesome picture of myself on the beach. WORTH IT!

Hurricancelled

As everyone knows this past week Hurricane Sandy rolled up on the east coast of the United States turning subways from Baltimore to NYC into aquariums filled with drowned bums. Because of this ornery bitch of a tropical weather system, our last trip to the beautiful pink sand beaches of Bermuda, and my planned day of diving was cancelled. Now, this doesn’t mean the cruise was cancelled, just the Bermuda part.

So don’t worry passengers, and esteemed guests we will still be sailing. You will now see the beautiful sites of the Chesapeake Bay, and dirty open water as far as the intense rain will allow (about 40 feet).  Also we are going to run out of water because we can’t take up water for showers or toilets this close to American shores. Despite these terrible circumstances, we will still be having high seas fun, or at least you would have.

After it was announced by our captain that we would not be going to Bermuda, more than half of our planned passengers decided to disembark. This was pretty nice considering it meant I had to less than half of what was planned for that week.

SO for the past week I have been in the path of a hurricane running away. Running back into the hurricane to beat it back into the Bay once US coastguard allowed it, and then a bit of time just inside of the Hurricane- I keeps it fucking real.

How many people can say they got all up in some Hurricane’s guts come out the other side and say “eh, it was what evs.” Well I now can. This is not to say that it was easy our troubles came other places that gave humor to our plight.

First to be noted is that our guest entertainers, whom plan to get off after a few days had to stay on board for over a week. One of which had lost his luggage before boarding. He had one pair of pants and an ill-fitting tux for nine days. I have never seen a man so well dressed for breakfast.  Our juggling couple went crazy and started screaming at each other on stage (again I have seen more jugglers already then I have ever hoped to. Juggling is not a feasible option as a career. I want to find these peoples parents and slap them about like a gaggle of Ho’s not trying to pay daddy for their stupidity in allowing their children to pursue a career in cupping and tossing balls), which in all honestly was more entertaining than their actual juggling show.

Even though we had less than half our guests they decided that they would use all the water on the ship, and the Captain had to make a dangerous trek out into open waters to legally take up water for our wasteful guests, and me because I take 45-minute showers (Fuck the environment). This was some of the only time that we could really feel the Hurricanes force. That bitch was mighty pissed.  We made it through the storms and afterward I enlightened my Serbian roommate to good music with a tribute to my old roommate by playing “The Storm is Over” by R Kelly for about three hours. Needless to say I am truly improving the world’s view of Americans.

The celebration didn’t stop there however, that same night was also the crew Halloween party. I was worried my first Halloween away from the magical Disney Land of Athens, Ohio would leave me unfulfilled, and disheartened. While nothing will ever hold a candle to the debauchery, and outlandish experience that is HallOUween the crew party wasn’t that bad. The main reason was that they followed the first law of physics: Any party’s level of awesomeness is directly correlated to the amount of alcohol available for consumption (this law exists whether you use Relative or Newtonian physics so truly it is more consistent then gravity, or the perception of time itself).  And the values that the ship put into this equation were unlimited alcohol…. FO FREE!!! Boomshackalacka!!! Because of this we took the most logical and appropriate course of action: start rocking your toilet chain because it’s time to get shit faced, like explosive diarrhea shitty.

It was almost like being at a frat party that I didn’t pay dues for, except they were paying me. I wish I could tell you more, but we are getting ready to ship out for Puerto Rico. I must elaborate on Halloween (pictures coming soon) soon so look out for it.